Questions to Ask Kids at Christmas Instead of “What do you want?”

Most every mother can quickly recall an annoying question strangers asked her during her pregnancy. For many, the question that literally rubbed them the wrong way was “can I touch your belly?” With all four of my pregnancies, I only had one stranger ask me this and I said “absolutely” because I wanted at least one memory of this seemingly common occurrence. Truthfully, I wish I would have been asked that question more often because I found it liberating to spread the gift of life and energy to someone else through touch during the wonderment of pregnancy. I never had “that” annoying question when I was pregnant. However, since I became a parent, there is one question directed at my children every December that seems to get under my skin and that is “what do you want for Christmas?”

Countless adults, both strangers in the check out lane and those involved in our lives on a routine basis, make the choice of asking my kids what they want from Santa or what they want to get on Christmas day. The question alone is not a bad thing. I struggle with the message it implies when it is the first and most prominent question of the conversation. It also disappointingly limits a meaningful response.  Children have incredible minds and have so much more to offer than rattling off a list of advertised goods. What type of character are we encouraging when this is how we speak to our kids? As a community, we say we want our children to be respectful, think of others, give back, and work hard. As a parent, my goals for my children are similar but go much deeper than just accomplishing these expectations and dig into the core of his or her soul. Regardless of that, starting a conversation with “what do you want?” diverts the beautiful vision our children have about this most wonderful time of year and ultimately their thoughts about love.

So often we hear about this generation of kids who are entitled and self serving. They surely don’t get there on their own. I do not think one question alone can offset and entire course of parenting. However, it is one stone (intentionally or unintentionally) laid into the path we are paving. Do you truly want to hear about the stuff or do you want a glimpse into the pure mind of a child? My guess is most of us ask this question to learn more about the interest of the child and have good intentions but our approach is off course. In our house we shamefully have a play room full of things and some of those things are fun but they surely aren’t what brings our family joy. Beyond the cheer and excitement that Christmas brings (and yes the presents too!), the simple and natural treasures of the earth are what bring my children the greatest long term joy. No toy will fill what we have been given by a creator who so lovingly prepared this world for us. Christmas gift giving shouldn’t be viewed as a competition because we have already been given the ultimate gift that can never be given again. This type of thoughtfulness helps me prepare my heart for the busy and sometimes difficult holiday season. 

The reason I wanted to write about this topic is simple. It wasn’t the tenth stranger at Target asking my child what they wanted for Christmas but rather it was me asking this of a growing mind. I found myself asking the sweet and tender Tweens I car pool with every week what they wanted for Christmas. It was the first question I asked them when I picked them up after school. I didn’t have a lot to follow it up with. Both of the girls shrugged their shoulders and got back to giggling with my kids about the funny song that was on the stereo. Lesson learned. I was disappointed in myself and realized when people ask these questions to my kids their desire isn’t to send a beautifully sailing ship into a blustery storm but rather to connect to it and guide that ship into a safe direction. Maybe it would help those of us who are interested in developing meaningful conversations to have a few topic starters in our back pockets.  Here are a few questions I came up with with the help of my friends and family:

• What are you most excited for this Christmas season?

• Have you thought of any gifts you would like to give? If not, do you need help thinking of or getting something for someone else?

• Does your family have traditions that you look forward to participating in? 

• Tell me about something you made for someone else in the past and how it made that person feel.

• Is there someone in particular that you feel could use some extra love and prayer this holiday season? 

• What is your favorite food that you get only during Christmas? 

• How does it make you feel to see all the Holiday decorations around town? Which ones are your favorite? 

• Do you help your family decorate? How?

• Do you have a favorite Christmas song? How does that song make you feel? 

• What is one of your favorite memories about Christmas celebrations in the past?

• Who are you looking forward to spending time with during the holidays and why? 

• What does Christmas mean to you? 

• Do you know about the very first Christmas? 

I'm sure you could think of more questions to ask and maybe add your own spin. Please do and let me know how it goes! Since writing about this topic I have tried out a few of the conversation starters and have been touched by the sweet responses. The funny thing is I have never overheard a child asking another child what they wanted for Christmas. Kids simply have a different approach into building connections and I think in this case we could learn a lesson or two from them. I won’t be upset if you ask my child what he or she wants for Christmas and I hope you won’t be either if I do the same but let’s make an effort to dig a little deeper. I think most of these sentiments can be applied to other religious holidays that other groups celebrate as well. I hope to share love with all of you and meet you where you are at this cherished holiday season.