One of Four Looks

For the most part, my life here in the friendly town of Zionsville, Indiana is full of children. Children in my house, in the streets, at the parks, obviously at the schools, and just children plumb everywhere. Even as weird as I am, I actually feel kind of normal around all of this. That’s a whole other story. But when I cross that invisible geographical line things change real quick. Sometimes I honestly and selfishly forget that not everyone is (or would want to be) at the same stage of life that I am. Even a trip to Target takes me from a mom of four kiddos to a ring master of an unemployed circus. How do I know you might ask? Well, I get one of four reactions when I take my own children out of the house and into a public area. Clearly this is oversimplified and you can’t shove humankind into four categories but typically people fall into one of these four groups.

1. The Pity Party

This person cares but doesn’t know what to say. He or she doesn’t really get it but wants to try and help. At the end of the day sometimes people are super awkward and that’s just all there is to it.  At the sight of me struggling to keep it all together they sincerely feel sorry for me. Hey folks I’m actually okay, just attempting to parent! Out of uncomfortable silence or lack thereof they feel the need to say things like “wow you’ve got your hands full” or “I guess you are busy”. I am busy and my hands are full and well, thank goodness! I kind of love these rodeo clowns and I kind of love this gig. My dear friend got me a sign that says If you think my hands are full you should see my heart. I love that sign and I love that friend even more. 

2. The Reprimander 

This person is, how do I say it gently, mostly rigid and slightly terrifying. This person most likely thinks I am irresponsible for having four children and especially so for bringing my four children out of the house without help. He or she feels the need to correct my child or correct my parenting. This is the woman who gave me scornful stares and a partial grimace at the sight of my son’s underpants lingering around one of his ankles. I felt the look of death upon me but had no idea why until I saw my three year old ten steps behind me on the way to the gym struggling to get up the hill with the extra baggage around his feet. What this person doesn’t see was how wonderful this moment was. This was the first day he had gotten dressed by himself upon my request! So he missed a hole, so what! What makes him three is what makes this stage of life completely perfect. This is a sign, a mommy triumph, of my sweet little boy learning to become an independent man. It doesn’t happen overnight people! 

3. Look Away, look away!

This person cracks me up. This person quite frankly has stuff to do. He or she needs to get in and get out and no offense, doesn’t really have the time to get involved in my business. He or she walks by super fast and gives me an I’m terrified for you but good luck kind of look. This is my encourager! A reality check that what’s going on in the waiting area at the doctor’s office isn’t really that big of deal. In fact some people are not even phased by it and would rather finish trolling their Facebook feed before their name is called by the nurse than stare at my crazy. This is the twenty year old guy that is unsure of committing to his girlfriend or even his dinner selection that night and to him my life seems like an episode of the Jetsons. That’s right, I seem that far off. But in reality I smile on the inside and hope the days that lie ahead for him are filled with sweet love.

4. Old and adorable 

I love this person. This person looks at me with a longing that only love could have created. This person has either raised a plethora of children or was forced beyond his or her control to have fewer than his or her heart dreamed. This person has felt the intense reality of the preciousness of life in some way shape or form. This person is adored by so many people and it’s clear as to why. The temporary disruptions that a stranger’s child presents are no match for this person’s open and yearning heart. Bless the little old lady that looked at me in the grocery store checkout with my child in mid-tantrum and said to me while embracing his baby hand “isn’t he wonderful?” Why yes, yes he is, and thank you in that moment for reminding me so.

The truth is, I have fallen into each of these categories throughout my life and will continue to do so. I hope one day to be that little old lady that says the right thing at the right time but given my history I’ll most likely fall into the awkward category. Either way, no reaction or response is right or wrong, I just find it all interesting. This simple and lighthearted reflection is a good reminder for me on how powerful human interaction can be even in the simplest of forms like at the grocery store. At the end of the day you never know a person’s backstory (unless you are that lady on Long Island Medium) and treating everyone with dignity and respect can go a long way. 

Questions to Ask Kids at Christmas Instead of “What do you want?”

Most every mother can quickly recall an annoying question strangers asked her during her pregnancy. For many, the question that literally rubbed them the wrong way was “can I touch your belly?” With all four of my pregnancies, I only had one stranger ask me this and I said “absolutely” because I wanted at least one memory of this seemingly common occurrence. Truthfully, I wish I would have been asked that question more often because I found it liberating to spread the gift of life and energy to someone else through touch during the wonderment of pregnancy. I never had “that” annoying question when I was pregnant. However, since I became a parent, there is one question directed at my children every December that seems to get under my skin and that is “what do you want for Christmas?”

Countless adults, both strangers in the check out lane and those involved in our lives on a routine basis, make the choice of asking my kids what they want from Santa or what they want to get on Christmas day. The question alone is not a bad thing. I struggle with the message it implies when it is the first and most prominent question of the conversation. It also disappointingly limits a meaningful response.  Children have incredible minds and have so much more to offer than rattling off a list of advertised goods. What type of character are we encouraging when this is how we speak to our kids? As a community, we say we want our children to be respectful, think of others, give back, and work hard. As a parent, my goals for my children are similar but go much deeper than just accomplishing these expectations and dig into the core of his or her soul. Regardless of that, starting a conversation with “what do you want?” diverts the beautiful vision our children have about this most wonderful time of year and ultimately their thoughts about love.

So often we hear about this generation of kids who are entitled and self serving. They surely don’t get there on their own. I do not think one question alone can offset and entire course of parenting. However, it is one stone (intentionally or unintentionally) laid into the path we are paving. Do you truly want to hear about the stuff or do you want a glimpse into the pure mind of a child? My guess is most of us ask this question to learn more about the interest of the child and have good intentions but our approach is off course. In our house we shamefully have a play room full of things and some of those things are fun but they surely aren’t what brings our family joy. Beyond the cheer and excitement that Christmas brings (and yes the presents too!), the simple and natural treasures of the earth are what bring my children the greatest long term joy. No toy will fill what we have been given by a creator who so lovingly prepared this world for us. Christmas gift giving shouldn’t be viewed as a competition because we have already been given the ultimate gift that can never be given again. This type of thoughtfulness helps me prepare my heart for the busy and sometimes difficult holiday season. 

The reason I wanted to write about this topic is simple. It wasn’t the tenth stranger at Target asking my child what they wanted for Christmas but rather it was me asking this of a growing mind. I found myself asking the sweet and tender Tweens I car pool with every week what they wanted for Christmas. It was the first question I asked them when I picked them up after school. I didn’t have a lot to follow it up with. Both of the girls shrugged their shoulders and got back to giggling with my kids about the funny song that was on the stereo. Lesson learned. I was disappointed in myself and realized when people ask these questions to my kids their desire isn’t to send a beautifully sailing ship into a blustery storm but rather to connect to it and guide that ship into a safe direction. Maybe it would help those of us who are interested in developing meaningful conversations to have a few topic starters in our back pockets.  Here are a few questions I came up with with the help of my friends and family:

• What are you most excited for this Christmas season?

• Have you thought of any gifts you would like to give? If not, do you need help thinking of or getting something for someone else?

• Does your family have traditions that you look forward to participating in? 

• Tell me about something you made for someone else in the past and how it made that person feel.

• Is there someone in particular that you feel could use some extra love and prayer this holiday season? 

• What is your favorite food that you get only during Christmas? 

• How does it make you feel to see all the Holiday decorations around town? Which ones are your favorite? 

• Do you help your family decorate? How?

• Do you have a favorite Christmas song? How does that song make you feel? 

• What is one of your favorite memories about Christmas celebrations in the past?

• Who are you looking forward to spending time with during the holidays and why? 

• What does Christmas mean to you? 

• Do you know about the very first Christmas? 

I'm sure you could think of more questions to ask and maybe add your own spin. Please do and let me know how it goes! Since writing about this topic I have tried out a few of the conversation starters and have been touched by the sweet responses. The funny thing is I have never overheard a child asking another child what they wanted for Christmas. Kids simply have a different approach into building connections and I think in this case we could learn a lesson or two from them. I won’t be upset if you ask my child what he or she wants for Christmas and I hope you won’t be either if I do the same but let’s make an effort to dig a little deeper. I think most of these sentiments can be applied to other religious holidays that other groups celebrate as well. I hope to share love with all of you and meet you where you are at this cherished holiday season.